So, what happens now?
A grief resource guide for parents, siblings and loved ones navigating child loss.
Quick Guide
Skip to Your Section Here
Navigating What Comes Next
Planning a Special Day
Understanding Your Grief
Information for Friends and Family
You're Not Alone...
The Aliyah Mae Foundation serves as a beacon of hope and support for families in crisis, striving to ensure that no family grieves alone in the face of such heartache.
Remember there is no right or wrong way to grieve, and it's okay to seek help at any point in your journey.
This is a very personal decision. We recommend working with someone who is experienced in handling children's funerals. They should be compassionate, understanding, and able to guide you gently through the process. When making this choice, you may wish to consider:
- Recommendations from trusted family or friends.
- Funeral homes with experience in arranging funerals for children.
- The costs associated with the funeral.
- The range of services offered by the funeral home.
- Funeral homes/directors within The Aliyah Mae Foundation service directory.
Discuss the range of services offered by the funeral home/director, including:
- Cremation or burial arrangements
- Help with paperwork (death certificate, etc.)
- Venue options and catering
- Grief support resources
When considering cremation or burial, it's important to remember that both are personal choices - it's about what feels most comforting and meaningful for you and your family.
Cremation: Consider what you'd like to do with the ashes: scattering in a special place, keeping them in an urn, or a combination. Look into decorative urns, keepsake jewellery, tree pods, or other memorial items.
Burial:
- Choose a cemetery and burial plot. Consider location, accessibility, and ambiance.
- Select a casket. Options range from simple to elaborate, and some are specifically designed for children.
- Think about a headstone or grave marker. There are many ways to personallise these.
- Honouring traditions: If your family has specific cultural or religious traditions, ensure they are incorporated into the service.
- Spiritual elements: Consider readings, prayers, music, or rituals that hold significance for your family.
- Involving the community: If your child was part of a religious or cultural community, involve them in the planning and service.
Cremation/Burial:
- Cemetery: If burial, consider the location, view, privacy, and any family history associated with the cemetery.
- Crematorium: Some offer memorial gardens or spaces for scattering ashes.
Funeral/Memorial:
- Religious institutions: Churches, temples, mosques, etc., often have facilities for services.
- Funeral homes: Many have chapels or gathering spaces.
- Other venues: Consider places that hold special meaning for your child, such as a park, garden, beach, community centre, or even somewhere like the zoo.
Considerations:
- Capacity: Ensure the venue can accommodate the expected number of guests.
- Accessibility: Choose a location that is easily accessible for everyone, including those with disabilities.
- Ambience: Select a space that feels comfortable and appropriate for a memorial service.
- Catering: If you plan to have a reception, ensure the venue allows for food and drinks.
- Meaningful selections: Choose music that reflects your child's personality, interests, or favourite songs.
- Live music or recordings: Consider having a musician play or using recorded music.
Keep it simple and heartfelt: The focus should be on informing people and expressing your feelings.
- Examples:
- It is with deep sadness that we announce the tragic passing of our son/daughter, [Child's Name]. A service to celebrate [Child's Name]'s life will be held at [Location] on [Date] at [Time]. All are welcome to join us.
- With heavy hearts, we share the news of the death of [Child's Name]. We invite you to a memorial service at [Location] on [Date] at [Time] to honour and remember [Child's Name].
- The family of [Child's Name] invites you to join us in celebrating [Child's Name]'s life on [Date] at [Time] at [Location]. In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to [Charity].
- Key information to include:
- Child's full name
- Date of birth and date of death
- Location, date, and time of the service
- Any special instructions (e.g., dress code, donations in lieu of flowers)
- Contact information for RSVPs or enquiries
A physical or virtual space of remembrance can allow you to capture tribute messages, photographs and videos, and connect with family members and friends.
Memory book:
- Provide a book where guests can write down their favourite memories of your child, messages of condolence, or words of support.
- Include photos of your child in the book or nearby.
Memory board:
- Create a board with photos, artwork, mementos, and messages related to your child.
- Invite guests to add their own photos or notes.
- Digital memory space
- Create a website or online memorial page where people can share memories, photos, and videos.
- Display photos: Create a collage or display of photos that capture your child's life and personality.
- Create a video tribute: A slideshow or video montage of photos and videos can be a powerful way to remember your child.
- Professional photographer/videographer: Consider hiring someone to document the service, if you feel comfortable with that. This can provide you with precious memories for the future.
- Siblings: Involve siblings in the planning process as much as they are able. This can help them feel included and express their grief. View Books for Kids here.
- Children at the service: If children will be attending, consider having a designated area with activities or toys to keep them occupied.
- Donations: If you prefer donations to flowers, clearly state this in the invitations or announcements. Choose a charity or cause that is important to your child or family.
Remember, the most important thing is to create a service that feels meaningful and honours your child's life in a way that is comfortable for you and your family. Don't be afraid to ask for help from your funeral director, friends, and family.
Planning a special day
To help you and your support person navigate what needs to be done, we've included a list of people and organisations that may need to be contacted to assist in keeping track of who you have notified. Please remember this is a general guide, and the specific contacts needed will depend on your individual circumstances.
"And in time, through the pain, you will find healing. Not because you have forgotten, but because you have learned how to carry both love and loss together."
Understanding your grief
Grief is a complex and deeply personal journey. It can feel overwhelming, at times, impossible to navigate. The loss of a child is a wound unlike any other. It shatters the very foundation of your world, leaving you adrift in a sea of overwhelming emotions.
In the beginning, it can feel unbearable, like a wound that will never close. You are likely consumed by the pain, the yearning, and the raw reality of your child's absence.
But over time, the raw sharp edges begin to mend. You'll start to oscillate, beginning to find ways to attend to life's practicalities, even as the grief remains. This will take time and at first you may even feel guilty for doing so.
The truth is, while you never truly "move on”, you learn to move with it. The love you have does not disappear; it transforms. It lingers in the echoes of laughter, in the warmth of old memories, in the silent moments where you still reach for what is no longer there. And that’s okay.
Grief is not a burden to be hidden. It is not a weakness to be ashamed of. It is the deepest proof that love existed, that something (someone) beautiful once touched your life.
So let yourself feel it.
Let yourself mourn.
Let yourself remember.
Allow all aspects of your grief to flow as you need. There is no timeline, no “right” way to grieve. Some days will be heavy, and some will feel lighter. Some moments will bring unexpected waves of sadness, while others will fill you with gratitude for the love you experienced.
Honour your grief, for it is sacred.
It is a testament to the depth of your heart.
Grief comes in many forms and may feel like:
- A Crushing Weight: Grief can feel like a physical burden, a constant ache in your chest, a heaviness that makes even the simplest tasks feel insurmountable.
- A Rollercoaster of Emotions: You may experience a whirlwind of emotions, from profound sadness, anger, guilt, confusion, and disbelief, to tears that feel as if they will never stop. These emotions can fluctuate wildly, sometimes within minutes.
- A Sense of Unreality: The world may seem surreal, as if you're watching life unfold from a distance. You might feel numb, detached, and unable to connect with your surroundings.
- A Longing for What Was: The absence of your child will be acutely felt in every aspect of your life. You'll yearn for their presence, their laughter, their touch, and the future you imagined together.
- A Loss of Identity: Your identity as a parent, so deeply intertwined with your child, may feel shattered. You might question your purpose and struggle to find meaning in your life.
- Physical Manifestations: Grief can take a toll on your physical health, causing fatigue, sleep disturbances, changes in appetite, nausea and even physical pain such as numbness, headaches, muscle aches and tightness.
Everyone grieves differently.
Don't compare your grief to others, there are no rules - do what you need.
Your experience is valid, and you deserve to grieve in your own way, at your own pace.
Some parents find solace in talking about their child, while others prefer quiet reflection. Some find comfort in rituals and ceremonies, while others find it in creative expression. The only thing that matters right now is that you look after you.
Now is not the time to be a people pleaser, forget about the social norms and other people’s expectations. Your only job right now is to get through each day.
Others who won’t flinch at your tears, who won’t try to fix your pain with empty words, and who won’t make you feel like your grief is an inconvenience.
The right people, the ones who truly see you, will meet you where you are, without asking you to be anything but real.
And when they do, you’ll know: You are still worthy of deep, meaningful connection.
Even in grief. Especially in grief.
Until then, be gentle with yourself.
Your heart has been through enough.
Allow yourself to grieve: Acknowledge and express your emotions without judgment. Crying, anger, sadness, numbness—all are valid.
Talk about your feelings: Talking about your feelings of grief can help you to begin to come to terms with your loss. Telling a close friend or family member the story of your loss and grief can often help to process what has happened, whether your loss was sudden or after illness, there is often so much to process and come to terms with. Sometimes even sitting in silence with someone may help and sometimes seeking professional counseling or therapy specialising in grief and trauma may also be beneficial.
Journaling: You may want to keep a journal about your feelings or even write a letter to your child. Journaling provides a safe and private space to externalise and process the complex emotions of grief, allowing for a deeper understanding and gradual integration of the loss.
Memory making: Creating memories of your child, like a memory box or a special photo album, creating a playlist, planting a tree or creating a memorial garden or even getting a tattoo can offer a way to keep their presence alive and provide a gentle space to honour and process your love for them.
Spirituality or faith: In the midst of this overwhelming grief, exploring your spirituality or faith, if it resonates with you, can offer a sense of comfort and connection, providing a framework to hold onto as you navigate this unimaginable loss.
Limit social media: In these raw and vulnerable moments, consider limiting your social media use, as it can often amplify feelings of isolation or comparison, and instead, focus on nurturing real-life connections and giving yourself the quiet space you need to grieve.
Being patient with yourself: Grief is a process, not an event - allow yourself time and space. There is no time limit.
Take care of your physical health: It is important to eat nutritious meals and get enough sleep. Don't be afraid to ask for or accept help with practical tasks like cooking, cleaning, or childcare.
Gentle movement: Even when it feels impossible, gentle movement, like a slow walk out in nature or stretching, can sometimes help to release some of the physical tension grief holds in your body, and offer a small, quiet moment of connection with yourself.
Seeking Support: Remember, you are not alone. Seeking support from other bereaved parents, therapists, or support groups can provide invaluable comfort and understanding. Sometimes other (well meaning) people may want to make you feel “better”. Although this is well-intended, it could mean they try to cheer you up when all you want is to talk. If you want to talk, don’t be afraid to let others know that you don’t want them to try to make it “better”, you just need the space to be heard.
Please, remember that your grief is entirely your own and what brings comfort to someone else may not resonate with you – that's perfectly okay. If you find yourself struggling to navigate this overwhelming pain, please don't hesitate to reach out for professional help; it's a sign of strength, not weakness. Above all, be gentle with yourself, allow yourself the time and space you need, because learning to live with this profound loss takes time, and there is no right or wrong way to walk this path.
As a newly bereaved parent, there's no "right" time to seek help and your feelings are valid whenever they arise. Sometimes, despite having a great network, you might find that you need more support.
Here are some signs that it might be particularly
beneficial to reach out for professional support:
- Persistent and overwhelming sadness: If the sadness feels constant and prevents you from engaging in daily activities.
- Intense anger or rage: If you experience frequent or uncontrollable anger that affects your relationships or well-being.
- Prolonged feelings of numbness or detachment: If you feel disconnected from yourself, your surroundings, or loved ones for an extended period.
- Difficulty sleeping or eating: Significant changes in your sleep or appetite that persist.
- Recurring thoughts of self-harm or harming others: Any thoughts that frighten you or make you feel unsafe.
- Intrusive memories or flashbacks: If you experience distressing memories or flashbacks that interfere with your daily life.
- Isolation and withdrawal: If you're isolating yourself from loved ones and feeling increasingly alone.
- Inability to function in daily life: If you're struggling to perform basic tasks, such as hygiene, household chores, or work responsibilities.
- Substance abuse: If you're using alcohol or drugs to cope with your pain.
- If you feel that your grief is not improving over time: Whilst there is no timeline, if you feel that you are not adapting to your loss, and your grief is still as raw as it was in the beginning, professional help can be beneficial.
- If your grief is impacting your surviving families well being: If your grief is creating a negative environment for the rest of your family, professional help can offer support for everyone.
If you just feel like you need it: You don't need to meet any specific criteria to seek help. If you feel that talking to someone would be beneficial, then it is. It's important to remember that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. A therapist or counselor specialising in grief and trauma can provide a safe and supportive space for you to process your emotions and develop healthy coping strategies.
It's very normal to experience a wide range of intense emotions, and seeking support is a sign of strength. A Mental Health Care Plan is a plan you can create with your doctor (GP). It's designed to help you get support and treatment for your mental health and wellbeing. This plan can provide access to sessions with mental health professionals, such as a psychologist.
How to get a Mental Health Care Plan:
- Talk to your GP: The first step is to make an appointment with your GP. If you have a regular doctor, they are a good place to start, as they already know some of your health history. If you don't have a regular GP, you can visit any GP. When you book, you can let the receptionist know that you'd like to discuss your mental health and are interested in a Mental Health Care Plan. This will allow the doctor to allocate enough time for your appointment.
- During the appointment: Your doctor will listen to you and ask some questions about how you're feeling. This might include questions about your emotions, sleep, energy levels, and how you're coping with daily life. Please know that it's okay to express the pain and grief you're experiencing. Your doctor is there to help, without judgment. If you are worried or feel like you might forget what you want to say it can be helpful to write down your concerns beforehand.
- Creating the plan: If your doctor thinks a Mental Health Care Plan would be beneficial, they will work with you to create it. This plan will outline:
- Your goals for your mental health and wellbeing.
- The type of support that might be helpful, such as seeing a psychologist or social worker.
- Referral to a mental health professional: Your doctor can then refer you to a mental health professional who is trained to provide the support you need. Your GP may have recommendations for services in your area, or you can research practitioners beforehand and discuss your preferences.
Visit our directory for psychologist & grief counsellors here.
A Mental Health Care Plan can provide access to
Medicare rebates for sessions with professionals like:
- Psychologists
- Social Workers
- Occupational Therapists
This can help to make therapy more affordable.
Medicare rebates for sessions:
A Mental Health Care Plan enables you to access Medicare rebates for a set number of sessions with referred mental health professionals each calendar year. Currently, this includes up to 10 individual sessions and up to 10 group therapy sessions.
Understanding the costs: With a Mental Health Care Plan, Medicare will cover some of the cost of your therapy sessions. However, the amount covered may not be the full fee charged by your therapist. If your therapist charges more than the Medicare rebate, you will need to pay the additional amount, which is known as the "gap" fee. It's also worth noting that some therapists offer reduced fees for those with a concession, such as students or healthcare card holders. So be sure to ask your therapist about this.
https://thealiyahmaefoundation.com.au/finding-the-right-mental-health-support-after-child-loss/
Grief is a natural reaction to experiencing loss. It is a very complicated emotion and does not follow a set timeline. It can look and feel different on each individual and therefore people can present and cope in various ways. This is especially the case when we are looking at grief in children of various ages and developmental stages. Some may want more active support while others may prefer time to be alone. Many people may not need professional help; however professional support is always available for those who require it.
When we think of grief, we think of crying, frustration, shock, numbness, withdrawal, changes in sleep or appetite, however, in children, although similar, it can present very differently. Below are some of the things you may notice in your grieving child.
What to expect based on age:
Pre School (2-5 Years)
Limited understanding of death, magical thinking (may believe the sibling will return), needs routine and reassurance.
School Age (6-12 Years)
More concrete understanding of death, possible guilt or responsibility, seeks details and asks questions.
Adolescent (13+ Years)
Full understanding of death, risk of existential anxiety, withdrawal, or high-risk behaviours; may seek peer support.
Grief looks different on everyone and that’s why it’s important, that if you do notice any changes in emotions or behaviours that help is sought at the earliest convenience.
Withdrawal – Children can experience wanting to withdraw from people, places, or events. They may show this through isolating from once-loved activities and interacting with their peers and family.
Increased emotional outbursts – Like adults, children may experience dysregulation which may display as increased crying, tantrums, and aggression that is not typical to them.
Difficulty self-regulating – Similarly, children may have trouble calming down, sleeping, eating, or focusing on school or play due to the increased experience in negative emotions.
Somatic complaints – It is important to note that often children experience emotions through physical sensations. Some common somatic symptoms that may emerge are headaches, stomach aches, or sudden and long-standing fatigue.
Developmental regression – Children may regress in skills they had already learnt to self-soothe or seek reassurance from their caregivers for. Some common ones to look out for is increased bedwetting, thumb-sucking, and separation anxiety.
Increased sensitivity – Children may become hypersensitive to noise, touch, or light due to heightened stress or trauma.
Decline in school performance – Due to the changes in emotional functioning, children may find it difficult to concentrate, complete tasks, or engage in classroom routines that they would typically engage in.
Changes in play – The types of play children engage in following grief may change. Play may start involving grief themes such as playing hospital or playing as angels or superheroes who die. There may also be a lack of interest in play.
Confusion and fear – Death can be a complex concept for children to grasp. This may result in increased thoughts about themselves and other loved ones dying. They may even develop some anxiety about the future and what happens after people die. If your child starts to experience suicidal thoughts, please seek professional help immediately.
Self-harm behaviour – When children do not have helpful coping strategies, they may turn to unhelpful ones. They may engage in cutting, bruising, burning, and hitting oneself. If any of these behaviours occurs, please seek professional help immediately.
Grief presents differently in each child. There is no ‘one size fits all’ solution, but here are some ideas that may help:
- Reading books about grief – Children often learn through stories. Books about grief are a great way to introduce the topic and show that they are not alone in how they feel.
View our list of suggested books and podcasts here.
- Keeping routines similar – Children thrive under predictability and stability. When a loss happens, this stability is shaken. Doing what you can to keep routines unchanged and providing familiar structure to the day can provide comfort, stability, and predictability in a time that is so uncertain.
- Be aware of triggers – Holidays, anniversaries, or sudden reminders of the passed loved one can trigger a wave of emotions. Knowing about upcoming events can help with being prepared for emotional changes and regression in coping. It is best to give updates on when these events come up to avoid any shock to your child. This also allows you to have a conversation with your child discussing how they may feel more upset on this day or surrounding this day and that this is a normal feeling.
- Social stories – Explaining death, grief, and the typical emotional process of that can be difficult to explain to a child. Social stories provide a structured way to explain these concepts, making it more accessible for individuals with autism or other neurodevelopmental differences.
Professional Support options for Children and Siblings
Who Else Can Help?
- An occupational therapist can support your child in regulating their emotions, restore routines, and facilitate how they can express their grief in a healthy way.
- A psychologist can help with navigating experiences of anxiety, depression, trauma, or self-harm.
- Family therapy can be beneficial in bringing people together and understanding the shared grief that is occurring. This may be helpful for a child to not feel isolated in their grief.
- Play therapy can be useful for children to process their grief in a way that is not confronting. This may be done by voicing their feelings or demonstrating an emotion through a toy. This can create emotional distance which can protect them from overwhelm. All therapists will be able to utilise this type of therapy.
- Talk to your child's teacher or see if school can provide any support.
If you feel that symptoms of your child’s grief are not decreasing in intensity with time, please seek professional help. This may be needed to assist the child in developing coping strategies to help with processing the overwhelming emotions.
"We want to hold you, support you, and help in any way we can."
- Be there: The most important thing is to simply be present. Your physical presence can be a source of comfort, even if you don't know what to say.
- Listen without judgment: Allow the parents to talk about their child, their grief, or anything else on their mind. Listen attentively and patiently, without interrupting or offering unsolicited advice.
- Acknowledge their pain: Don't try to minimise their loss or suggest that they should "move on." Instead, acknowledge the depth of their pain and let them know that it's okay to grieve.
- Use the child's name: Hearing their child's name can be comforting to bereaved parents. Don't be afraid to say it out loud, and often.
- Always ask first: If you want to offer practical help, always ask what they want/need before doing anything.
- Take care of everyday tasks: Grief can make it difficult to focus on daily tasks. Offer to help with things like:
- Grocery shopping and preparing ‘heat and eat’ meals
- Laundry - be mindful when doing this as they may not want their child’s clothes washed so they can keep their child’s scent.
- Cleaning
- Childcare for surviving children
- Pet care
- Help with funeral arrangements: Offer to assist with practical arrangements, such as contacting the funeral home, organising catering, or helping with paperwork.
- Run errands: Offer to pick up prescriptions, collect mail, or handle other errands.
- Provide transportation: Offer to drive the parents to appointments, the funeral home, or other necessary locations.
- Don't disappear: The initial outpouring of support often fades quickly, but the grieving process can last much longer. Continue to check in with the parents in the weeks and months after the loss.
- Offer specific help: Instead of saying "Let me know if you need anything," offer specific suggestions, such as "Can I bring you dinner on Tuesday?" or "Would you like me to come over and help with the laundry this weekend?"
- Remember special dates: The anniversary of the death, birthdays, holidays, and other significant dates can be particularly difficult. Reach out to the parents on these days to let them know you're thinking of them.
- Be patient: Grief is a long and unpredictable process. Be patient with the parents and allow them to grieve in their own way and at their own pace.
- Always ask before doing: As a general rule, always ask before proceeding, never assume it is okay to do something without permission even if you think you are being helpful. Be mindful not to touch anything that belongs to the child unless explicitly asked to do so by the parents/caregivers. Even the most seemingly insignificant thing, may now be attached to a beloved memory.
- Respect their wishes: The parents may have specific preferences for how they want to be supported. Respect their wishes, even if they're different from what you expect.
- Take care of yourself: Supporting bereaved parents can be emotionally draining. Make sure to take care of your own needs and seek support if necessary.
- Don't be afraid to show your own emotions: It's okay to cry or express your own sadness. Your vulnerability can help the parents feel less alone in their grief.
- Offer hope, but don't minimise their pain: Acknowledge that the pain is immense, but also offer gentle reminders that healing is possible, and they will be able to find a way to live with their grief.
- Be specific: Grieving people often don't know what they need in the moment, so be specific. Not 'what can I do', but 'I'm going to do this, is that ok?'
Information for friends and family
It can be difficult to know how to support someone who is grieving, particularly after the loss of a child.
Here are some practical suggestions for friends and family of bereaved parents.
"...there is no right or wrong way to grieve, and there is no timeline for healing."
Resources for Professionals
We've hand picked resources for you, no matter your circumstance.